Crazy Eyes and the Producers
by JustMyLuckiness
Summary: A post-Watershed shootout at the ABC Corral. Kate and Rick are fed up with the twists and turns their on-screen life has taken, so they take matters into their own hands and have a friendly chat with Castle's producers. Crazy Eyes breaks the fourth wall just a bit.


**Incredibly long A/N: I know I shouldn't be posting a Crazy Eyes one-shot while being so behind with my Broken Road updates, but this little plot bunny wouldn't let me go. I am working on on the Broken Road, and Chapter 5 is just about ready to for my beta. I have other Crazy Eyes pieces lined up, but I want to wait on a lot of them until I get my Season 5 DVDs in a couple weeks. A full-time job, a full-time toddler, and a 7 months pregnant wife account for 23 hours of my day, so I have to pick and choose my writing when I actually have the energy for it. Life has been insane for me lately with stress at the job, the kiddo bringing home germs from daycare, and the ups and downs of third trimester pregnancy. Crazy Eyes is a great release for stress like that.  
**

**Gune125: I promise I'm still working on your great suggestion. It's taking longer than I expected, but it is still on the way.**

**This is a little out of sequence of my other Crazy Eyes stories, but after reading the wonderfully angsty post-Watershed fictions, I had a good idea of what happened, and I was as outraged as most of you are with the way the show's going. This is my response, and what I like to think Kate would really do if she had the option. **

**Two story shout-outs: first, the Castle story mentioned is the awesome "100 Sex Positions of the Kama Sutra" by Dana Keylits. If you haven't read that, I can't encourage you enough to go read it. It's seriously that good. Second, the plot of this story is modeled (a nice way of saying shamelessly ripped off) of AgentInWaiting's wonderful "Chuck and Sarah vs The Producer". If you're a fan of the show _Chuck_, or even if you're not, it's a hilarious read. **

******Anyone who has seen the truly epic movie _Tombstone _with Val Kilmer and Kurt Russell will recognize a large chunk of the dialogue. **

******It shouldn't need to be said that I own neither _Tombstone_ nor _Castle_, any of its characters or plots, the Los Angeles _Times_, the AP, or ABC Studios. This is all in good fun. **

**Enjoy!**

* * *

Crazy Eyes and the Producers

* * *

"You're sure this is the place, Kate?"

She raised a finger to silence him as she put her ear to the door next to the name plate which read "Executive Producers". Hearing several voices conversing, she growled, "Yeah, the bastards are right here. Remember the plan. You follow my lead."

Castle nodded as Kate stepped back, drew her pistol, and kicked the door in with one mighty blow. Following her into the room, he was able to observe the genuine shock on the faces of its occupants as she swept them both with her gun.

"What the fuck is this?" Kate shouted.

For a long moment no one moved. In the middle of the room, a large coffee table lay strewn with head shots of various blonde actresses. Kate recognized Cameron Diaz, Anna Farris, and Blake Lively, among others.

A man and a woman sat on a couch behind the table, fear paling their faces. The man behind the desk to their right with the phone in his hand was the first to react. "Please tell Ms. Seyfried that I'll call her back about the recurring love interest role," he said before hanging up. "What is going on here? Kate? What are you doing here?"

Kate just raised her left hand, allowing the light to make the diamond on her third finger sparkle. She slowly retracted all but her middle finger. "You people have a lot of fucking nerve."

The man on the couch found his voice, stammering a warning to the others, "U - uh guys? I don't think…"

Castle turned his focus on him. "You're damned right you don't!" he rumbled as his anger built, "Seriously? Four years of angst, the will-they-won't-they that drove everyone - even my mother! - crazy, and you write that garbage in the fifth year?"

Kate turned to him, cutting him off with a hand on his forearm. "Castle!" she hissed, "Follow _my_ lead, remember?"

He threw his hands in the air. "Right, right. Sorry. Just got carried away."

Turning her focus back to the still shocked but slowly recovering people in front of her, Kate gave them all the glare that had broken meth addicts down and reduced more than one crime-hardened mobster to tears. "What my overly excitable _fiancé_ said was true. You actually think the audience is going to buy me running off to another job in another city, leaving the love of my life, my one and done, behind in New York? You think after five years they want to see me break his heart all over again?"

"We only just got back on the same page after you lunatics had me ignoring her for a video game. Have you _SEEN _this woman in lingerie? Why would anyone other than a drug-addled teenager pay more attention to a fucking video game than to Katherine Beckett in a very small amount of lace?" Castle was nearly apoplectic, and this time, Kate chose not to stop him.

"Before that, you had him running off to Paris without telling me. Real bang-up job depicting the strength of our love there, assholes," the woman on the couch started to stand up, causing Kate to swing her gun around, "I'm not finished with you yet." The woman wisely sat down. "We haven't even gotten around to having his ex-wife stay at the loft, pretending to care for Alexis while my own apartment was getting fumigated. I really want to know who had that brilliant idea."

The three people in front of her gulped.

"Yeah, that's what I thought. Don't worry; I took care of that particular problem. You won't be able to write her back into our lives ever again," Kate growled the last few words in the same tone a Rottweiler might have if an intruder kicked its door in with raw steaks taped to his legs. Her audience gulped again. "Even before season 5 you guys jerked us around like puppets," Beckett continued in her snarl, now pacing in front of their captive audience. "Remember having his ex-wife show up just as I was about to pour my heart out? I had to go off-script to take care of that smirking bitch. That doesn't even count the slutty actress you had bang him for a role in a movie! This man doesn't deserve to be fucked for a role. He deserves to be loved, cherished, and adored _always_." She finally wound down, almost breathless at the look of sheer love shining out of Castle's eyes.

"We did the best we could with the garbage we were given, but seriously, it's almost like the writers wrote the scripts in 47 seconds," Castle gave a rumble of his own.

Kate's face showed her confusion to everyone in the room. "How the hell did you pull that incredibly small, random time frame out of your ass?"

For once, Castle was without a ready explanation. "I…don't know. It just popped into my head out of nowhere, for no reason. Seems silly when you think about it, doesn't it?"

Just warming up to continue her diatribe, Kate had to pause when the door burst open and a flustered blonde security guard stormed in. "Mr. Bowman, Ms. Zacks, Mr. Schindel, I heard there was a disturbance up here and…" she trailed off when she saw Rick's deep blue eyes, "Oh. Hi there. I'm Elizabeth. What's your name?" She asked as she twirled a lock of bright blonde hair around one finger and cocked her hips in what she thought was a seductive pose.

There was no other way to describe the noise emanating from the detective. Kate was growling like a starving tiger at the sight of a butchered hog. "Another blonde. Seriously? What is it with you and blondes?" she asked Rick, "It's like they come out of the woodwork whenever you're around. I can't really blame them, but they need to start learning! Maybe one of your connections can dream up a blonde repellant of some kind."

The guard, Elizabeth, turned indignant eyes on Kate. "Who asked you? Who the hell _are_ you?"

That broke through Kate's remaining restraint. "His fiancé," she said with one eye twitching. She flipped her fingers back up so the light in the room reflected off the diamond. Closing her fist, she drew back and landed a blow that rattled the guard's teeth together. Elizabeth drew a hand to her jaw and saw the blood smear on her finger. She reached for her weapon but Kate was much faster, slapping her other cheek. "You go ahead and draw. Skin that smoke wagon and we'll see what happens."

Elizabeth's eyes were flashing with rage. "I'm getting awful tired of your…"

Kate interrupted her with a third slap, this one leaving a jagged scar down one cheek with the diamond ring. "Are you going to do something? Or are you just going to stand there and bleed?" Kate asked with a glare that would have skewered her to the wall had it been tangible, "This is your last warning: get out now while you still can."

The guard decided not to press her luck, so menacing was Kate's stare. Her jaw still tingled from the hardest punch she'd ever received, too. She backed out of the room, eyes promising revenge.

"Now hold on just a minute there!" The man behind the desk stood and tried to look as menacing as he possibly could. The net effect was that of a particularly irked poodle. "You can't come in here, guns blazing, and threaten us to change the show! We have ratings, we have demographics, and we have story arcs all plotted out." He threw a thick handful of paper, clipped at various stages with alligator clips, down onto the table in front of everyone.

Kate and Rick each picked up a script and started flipping through the pages. Indignant snorts, incredulous sniffs, and a cry of outrage punctuated Kate's reading. "You've gotta be shitting me. Do I need to refer the writers to the narcotics squad of my Los Angeles counterparts? What the fuck were they taking when they wrote these scripts?"

Rick's reactions were little different. "I wrote better dialogue than this on the toilet paper at boarding school," he grunted, throwing the script back at the producer, "Do you really just agree to shoot whatever drivel the writers send up?"

The man on the couch coughed uncomfortably. "Well, they all agree on every episode, so…" he trailed off as Kate and Rick turned twin glares at him, though Rick's eyes turned thoughtful after a minute. His face broke out into a huge smile.

"They'll shoot anything the writers crap out…Kate, give me your phone!" He requested, holding a hand out.

The grin that shot across Kate's face was mischievous enough that the room's other occupants shifted in their seats, knowing they were totally unprepared for what was coming. "100 positions?" She asked, handing him her smart phone.

Castle's grin was lecherous. "100 positions," he confirmed before unlocking the phone, opening its web browser, and calling up one of the bookmarked links. He handed the phone over to the man behind the desk. "Here's your new season, all written and ready to go for you. Better quality than you usually get, too."

Kate and Rick stood with happy, expectant grins as the man scanned through the pages. "The Erotic V…what?" His face turned red at the same pace that his eyes bulged out. He scrolled through a few more pages. "The Padlock? We could never shoot this! The Playboy Channel couldn't shoot this! Can your legs even bend that way?" he asked Rick.

"I'm willing to find out. He just has to put his back into it. What about blurring some bits out?" Kate wanted to know, though Rick's face fell slightly.

The other man just shook his head with a frustrated sigh. "We'd have to blur the whole screen!"

Rick was fed up. "So, let me get this straight: you have no problems showing Ryan and Esposito tortured by Hal Lockwood, Kate's PTSD symptoms (sorry Kate), sniper shootings, psychopaths stalking victims, and any of the various and sundry grisly crime scenes you've put in front of the viewers, but the simple act of pure love between a man and woman is too much for the audience to handle?"

Just as Castle finished his outraged question when the door behind them burst open again, this time with a group of four security guards. Their batons, guns, and the presence of at least one stun gun that she could see made this group more physically intimidating, but it wasn't anything she couldn't handle. She chuckled at their confused looks when she didn't quake with fear.

"We got a report of some crazy woman in here beating up our desk guard," the apparent leader growled.

"I'm your huckleberry, but forgive me if I don't shake hands," Kate affected a familiar drawl.

His concentration diverted, Castle's gaze turned smoldering as he looked at his fiancé's smirking face. "Doc Holliday from _Tombstone_. That may be the sexiest thing you've ever said."

"I knew watching that movie last night was a good idea." She gave him a dazzling smile before reaching out, grabbing both of his cheeks, and crushing her lips to his. Both of their toes were curling before they broke apart. A cough from her right turned her attention back to the guards in front of her. "Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot you were there. There's no trouble here. We're just having a meeting with the producers when we were rudely interrupted. You may go now," she said, giving a dismissive wave before looking Rick in the eyes again.

The guards looked at each other and shrugged before leaving. The producers were too stunned to stop them, so they walked out.

When the door closed behind them, Kate looked over at the man behind the desk, who had turned a ghostly shade. "Why Robert Bowman. You look like someone just walked over your grave."

Finally, the woman in the group had enough. She leapt to her feet and walked purposefully over to Kate. "We're done here. Actors don't dictate scripts or scenes and your…activities in the past three years have gotten us all in enough trouble. You need to get the hell out of here and…" She trailed off.

Castle had been looking at the other producers when the woman stopped talking. He turned and saw Kate's service pistol pressed right between the woman's eyes. Somewhat inured to his fiancé's violent protectiveness, he wasn't nearly as surprised as he should have been.

The two men jumped to their feet, but Kate held up a hand. "You die first, get it?" she said, looking into the other woman's eyes. "Your friends might get me in a rush, but not before I make your head into a canoe, you understand me?"

Bowman growled. "She's bluffing. Let's both rush her!"

Zacks waved her hands behind her. "She's not bluffing, you morons! Stay the fuck where you are!"

Kate smirked. "Smart woman."

Rick decided it was time for the warning. He stepped forward, looking at each of the three producers in turn. "This is your last warning. Tell the writers to stop fucking with our lives. All we want is to live and love like we've earned after everything we've been through over the last few years."

"And what happens if they refuse?" Schindel chimed in.

"If we get the season 6 scripts and we're not happy with the direction the writers go, there will be blood," Kate promised in a voice as cold as the grave. "You tell them I'm coming and hell will be coming with me, you hear?"

The three producers shared a frightened grimace before looking at the intruders and nodding. "We'll make sure they understand," Zacks said.

Satisfied for the moment, Kate and Rick turned to leave. On their way out, Castle grabbed her ass and squeezed. He leaned in close, lust coloring the humor in his voice as he whispered, "Why Kate! You're not wearing a bustle. How lewd."

"Get me back to the hotel and I will show you just how lewd I can be, Ricky boy," she husked.

The last sound the producers heard over their collective groan was Kate's lascivious laughter.

* * *

Several weeks later, Kate and Rick were lounging on the couch at the loft watching _Temptation Lane _reruns and nursing bruises from a particularly rough arrest the night before when a knock sounded at the door.

Rick got up gingerly to answer the door and saw the UPS delivery person through the peephole. He opened the door and accepted the package after signing for it. Bringing it back into the living room, he set it down in front of Kate on the coffee table. They each noticed that it was from Los Angeles at the same time.

"Oh boy," Kate breathed.

"The season 6 scripts," Rick agreed.

After sharing a look, Kate dug a pocketknife out of her purse and cut the packaging tape. She lifted the premier's script out first he read over her shoulder.

The first page told them everything they needed to know. Cameron Diaz was cast as a new detective at the 12th precinct while Kate was out of the city on her new job.

"Damn those writers," she cursed.

"So what happens now?" Rick asked

Her expression turned grim "We finish it."

Rick just nodded.

* * *

A week later, the Los Angeles _Times _carried a sensational lead article:

_Entire Writing Staff of Popular Drama Show Found Dead_

_Los Angeles (AP) The entire writing staff of the popular ABC show Castle was found dead in their conference room this morning. While there is no official cause of death yet, our sources in the Los Angeles Police Department have told us on the condition of anonymity that each was found dead of different causes. One was hung, one was poisoned, one was shot, and one was stabbed. The circumstances are highly unusual, and it appears that a note was left on the scene claiming that the writers were each members of a cult. The mass suicide was apparently because they felt they failed the fans of the show by creating too much drama in the main romantic relationship. Our sources claim to be stumped, but say that it is likely that mass suicide will be the official explanation._

_The show's producers will only say that they are in the process of looking for a new writing staff and will probably take the show in a different direction than it had been heading under the previous staff._

_Calls to the studio were unreturned, but the official press statement noted that production would be shut down, and the cast was 'devastated' at the loss of such fine writing talent. _

In the entertainment section, there was a small blurb about Cameron Diaz's new hairstyle. The paparazzi couldn't get enough of her newly-shaved head. When asked, she would only say that she was 'strongly encouraged' to adopt her new look.

* * *

**A/N: Well, I hope you enjoyed another installment. Reviews are always welcomed and appreciated. Thank you!**


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